Shaggy dog stories

1.

A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examined him and said "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replied, "All I can think of is that about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious... hollandaise sauce! I love it so much now that I put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything!"

The dentist said, "Well, that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new one, and this time, I'll use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asked the patient.

"It's simple," said the dentist. "Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

2.

Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a spiritual person. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

3.

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country. Each summer the lawyer would invite a different friend to spend a week or two. On one occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed.  Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their breakfast. As they went around the berry patch gathering blueberries and raspberries, along came two huge bears, a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town, and got the local sheriff.

The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.  Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in that one," cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.

"What did you do that for?" exclaimed the lawyer. "I said he was in the other one!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"